Codependency in Relationships

What is Codependency?

What keeps you in your relationship? People stay in relationships for all kinds of reasons, even when a relationship becomes taxing or toxic. There usually is a payoff in sticking with it. This may be financial security, safety, comfort or familiarity. Another reason is sometimes rooted in our deep core beliefs about ourselves: the parts that feel unworthy or small, afraid that no one else will ever love us, afraid to cause disappointment. To hide our low sense of self we seek to please others, fostering their over-entitlement at our expense, all in the hopes of getting the love we crave. This is called Codependency.

Codependency is “a pattern of painful dependency on compulsive behaviours and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity.”

-Codependents Anonymous

What will you do for love?

In a codependent relationship one partner usually becomes the caretaker (the Rock). You become focused on caretaking or helping. You are compelled to respond to requests and feel it is your duty to help whenever you can. You build a reputation as the “go-to person” people know they can count on to do things for them. To be there with a shoulder to cry on, to listen to their problems, to lend money, to do their work, to do favours, etc. When you are focused on helping others you can hide behind the idea that you are doing something good for someone even when they may be taking advantage of you or taking you for granted. When you are focused on helping others you can avoid the problems in your own life. There is no space for your own voice. Your issues, your dreams, your mental/physical health all take a back seat. You become the Rock holding everyone else together.

You become the Human Sponge

You may also become the Sponge that absorbs everyone else's feelings. Because it is distressing to see someone you care about in pain, you may feel a sense of responsibility for them and what they are feeling. You absorb this feeling and take it on as if it were your pain. You feel deeply, perhaps even more than the person who is suffering. You feel a duty to try to help or fix the person’s distress. You may even feel guilty for not being able to do more.

You become the Shapeshifter

You work very hard to please others. You find yourself adapting to other people’s moods and temperaments. You adjust yourself to be who you think they want you to be. You might make yourself small or big, you might walk on eggshells or try to walk on water. You will do whatever it takes to make people happy with you, including hiding your own frustration, sadness, and disappointment when when you are not appreciated or are taken for granted. You may feel inauthentic, lost, not sure of who you really are.

Whenever you feel compelled to put others first at the expense of yourself, you are denying your own reality, your own identity.

- David Stafford

The Lonely Hearts Club

There is a loneliness in this pattern of behaviour. Your efforts in doing good for others or keeping the peace may feel like the right thing to do, but often it is at the expense of yourself. You rarely get the appreciation you deserve, and your efforts are rarely reciprocated. This can leave you feeling frustrated, burned out and resentful. You are not alone. Many people find themselves in this club. These core behaviours did not come out of nowhere.

Love yourself enough to get boundaries. Your time and energy is precious, you get to choose how to use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won't accept.

- Anna Taylor

Moving from Codependency to Interdependency

1. Instead of being the one who is doing all the heavy lifting, giving, helping, supporting, and listening, seek a mutual reliance on each other, a balance of give and take.

2. Keep sight of your own goals and interests, instead of always doing or saying what you think your partner wants.. You are free to be your authentic self, to take up space, to pursue your own goals and interests.

3. Instead of taking on the feelings of others and suppressing your own, discern your own feelings from those of others and fully experience them. Allow others sit with their own feelings.

4. Instead of deriving your value or sense of worth from your partner, learn to trust in your own sense of self, until you are able to stand on your own two feet.

5. Instead of always anticipating and accommodating the needs of others, set boundaries and expect them to be respected.

Deep Roots

Codependency often has deep roots in childhood. If a child's emotions are either neglected or even punished, a sense of shame and low self-esteem is created. This may be the result of dysfunctional parenting, where addiction, mental health, or other concerns did not allow a parent to properly fulfill their role. The child may find themselves needing to perform tasks beyond their age and ability, such as fixing dinner or looking after younger siblings. They are thrust into the role of the caregiver, helper, fixer. They associate it with a sense of stability and control; it is often how they get praised. This role may even be necessary for their survival. When this pattern is carried into adulthood, the person still feels the need to perform these tasks. Shame and low self-esteem persist and prevent a person from developing truly stable relationships and emotional autonomy.

The Courage to Change

Here are some actions to consider to move away from codependency and towards a healthy sense of self:

• Put your yourself first.

• Start to prioritize your own personal growth.

• Work on creating change in yourself rather than trying to change others.

• Remember that you are only in charge of yourself.

• Establish firm boundaries and learn how to hold them.

• Consider yourself first when saying “Yes” and “No” to others.

• Determine what your core values are.

• Reimagine your dreams and desires.

• Develop trust in your sense of self and your emotions.